Editing instructions: the organization, which should start with the thesis statement. Thesis as it now only tells me that you’ll talk about (1) the current gender situation and (2) how it can get better. The focus should be more on (2), not so much (1). Also, your thesis should be making an argument about how to make it better. For example, “Though women have been historically left behind economically, Covid-19 presents an opportunity to change the way we do business in terms of x, y, and z.” Then, the organization that follows can talk about x, then y, then z. Does that make sense? Of course, don’t use that word-for-word; but the thesis I’ve just presented serves as a roadmap for the reader, so we know exactly what you’re going to argue and when.
As a second tip, I see you using a lot of generalizations, such as “inequality is on the rise” and “men have dominated the economic world.” Try to add some nuance to these statements by giving detail. Why do you think inequality is on the rise? How have men historically designed world systems for their own economic dominance?
Lastly, one more organizational point. Once you get the thesis down, make sure each paragraph is supporting your argument. Right now, it looks like you have some “floater” paragraphs: ones that have some relevance to the topic but aren’t providing any evidence that feeds into your argument. For example, you have some paragraphs that seem to just be arguing that women deserve equality and that women’s movements exist, which are points that don’t really need their own paragraphs (they are givens, or can be tucked into other paragraphs). A good way to practice this is to make the topic sentence and closing sentence really obvious for each paragraph, and ask yourself, “does this directly explain x, y, or z from my thesis?”. For example, if your topic sentence and closing sentence essentially say “women want equality,” it’s probably not making an argument about how we can restructure after Coronavirus (and therefore not supporting one of your x, y, or z points mentioned earlier). On the other hand, if the topic/closing sentence is “One way we can change the way we do business is to restructure welfare to ensure healthcare to all people, mitigating future crisis” then you’re probably on the right track because that could be one of your “x, y, or z” points mentioned earlier.
Essay requirements: As the nations of the world develop strategies for reopening their economies, humanity is presented with a unique opportunity to reevaluate the unequal impacts that the economy has had on people and the long-term impacts it has on the environment. Should we change any of our priorities or the ways we do business? If so, how? If not, why not?
There’s a specific requirement in the file, please look at it. I hope my easy is more specific and closer to the editing institutions. I put the original essay in the file too.
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