a. I think your point about how the American Dream was used to ensure that citizens have good living standards is true, but I think the American Dream has more subtle implications.
b. Your introduction is good but I think you should reframe how you introduce the American Dream.
c. The American Dream for some, has been a sort of justification of inequality between Americans. Rather than portraying it as all good, you should acknowledge some flaws behind the American dream so you can have a deeper discussion.
d. The last sentence of your introduction is a very contested statement. The United States has had a history of discrimination against immigrants. African Americans were discriminated against through Jim Crow, Asians through the Asian exclusion act and xenophobia during elections, and Hispanic Americans through immigration.
e. I think you should frame the American Dream in a less idealistic manner.
f. Also in the last sentence, you used as a nation twice.
2. First Body Paragraph: “How To Achieve American Dream”
a. The American Dream was not outlined in the Constitution, I think it was mentioned in the Declaration of Independence.
b. I think you’re conflating American Dream with Freedom of Speech in this section.
i. American Dream specifically refers to equal opportunity.
c. I think your point about home ownership is good, but there has a been a lot of immigrants disadvantaged by housing discrimination.
d. I think your discussion about healthcare is insightful, however, it goes a little off topic from the American Dream. Furthermore, the United States also lacks a proper healthcare system, where thousands of Americans go into medical debt if they get sick.
e. I think the last part of these paragraph goes a little off topic. I think your point about the American Dream diffusing into other countries can be its own paragraph.
3. Second Body Paragraph: “Importance of American Dream”
a. I think your point about the American Dream breaking racial barriers is good. However, I don’t think framing the American Dream as creating unity is necessarily true. If you want to make this point, I think you need some academic sources to back you up.
b. The second part of this paragraph is very insightful. You talked about how the American Dream is unequal. I think you should add some academic sources and statistics to back up this claim. Particularly, you may want to talk about how there’s a racial wealth gap.
4. Third Body Paragraph: “Factors Affecting the Achievement of American Dream”
a. I think you can add a discussion of how costly higher education is in America and how this may serve as a barrier to social mobility
b. I think your discussion of climate change isn’t really relevant to the American Dream, I think you should focus more on the socio-economic factors such as discrimination in the workplace and in housing.
5. Fourth Body Paragraph: “The American Dream in Literature”
a. This paragraph is very insightful. You pointed out of the history and hypocrisy of the founding fathers nicely.
b. I think you should extend this conversation throughout American history. Discuss Jim Crow and racial discriminations all the way till the present era.
c. You also introduced a lot of criticisms in this paragraph by American authors. You should expand upon how and what they criticized. Also I think you should add other academic resources that has quantifiable research.
6. Fifth Body Paragraph: “Opportunity May Be For Everyone”
a. You make a good point about immigrants receiving a new opportunity in their life. However, I think you need to add more statistics such that represent your point. For example, maybe you could find research on Asian social mobility and how Asian Americans have become a very financially successful minority. You can also factor in a discussion of racial discrimination via the “model minority” discussion presented in class.
7. Sixth Body Paragraph: “Opportunity is not available for everyone”
a. I think you should combine this with the fifth paragraph to describe how while the American Dream has provided opportunities for many Americans, it has disadvantaged others.
b. You should talk more about minority disadvantages such as poorer school districts and workplace discrimination.
c. Also use more academic research to defend your point
8. Eighth Body Paragraph: “Criticisms of the American Dream”
a. There’s a minor error in the first sentence, there’s an extra “is”.
b. The second point you make is very good. You talk about the institutional inequalities faced by minorities. I think you should add more here and use academic articles to defend your point.
a. You wrapped up your major points nicely. Remember to restate your thesis and main points too. Also, you may want to add an extra discussion of what this means for American society.
10. Some couple main points
a. You have a good paper going, you just need more academic resources and expand upon your discussions. You state a lot of the problems the American Dream faces but you need more specific discussions. Focus more on the history of discrimination as this will pertain to your discussion of the American Dream.
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